Dear Diary,

It is indeed a painful relapse,

Tell me to swear off sex until am sixty, I got no problems with that…right now. Tell me to eat only fruits for the next ten years…done…for now. Tell me to give up eating stones…we got a problem…

I have come back again to say that i have relapsed and although I am not going around picking stones to chew, I still do something that is familiar…when I lay my hands on stones, it is a battle to get me to stop chewing.

Don’t think I am not trying. I have even agreed to enter a rehab but, where is it in Naija? I only have the advices of “well meaning folks”, most of whom have never been addicted to anything! It is really frustrating. First, I have to give up something which I love by consciously and continuously telling myself that I don’t love it any more (which takes a huge courage). Secondly, I have to pretend the hunger for it isn’t tearing me apart.  (This kills a big chunk of me).

Let me tell you about this my new habit of chewing gums everyday. My close pal told me to stick a gum in my mouth each time the craving came on. You know, at the peak of this addiction, I was chewing as much as thirty fine stones in a day. When I became committed to dealing with it, I cut it down to five…big clap guys?! Do the gums work? So long as there’s no stone closeby! And this time, ten stones…or twelve. That’s one doddering step forward and ten backwards…I tell ya, its a painful relapse. Much more painful cos, I see no workable quick elimination process…I promise, I’d take it. Please don’t recommend crap.

I am like a warrior severally beaten down by her own people…I leave ya…with my head bowed.

The Thing with Excuses

The very day that I talked about my struggle with addiction (to stones), I was sure I was being heroic. I was sure it was about now or never…the starting point towards staring down my fears. Alas, it wasn’t. I have gone from giving myself excuses like, “well, I can’t quit in a day” to “maybe a week” to “a month” and now, am on “before the end of the year”.

Excuses! I am full of them right now. It makes me mad that stones still have this addicting power over me but, look at them right now…on the shelf within easy reach. After about two hours…or maybe three…I would get up and walk past them. I would bite my tongue and it would hurt and then, I would ball my fist and slot in a movie to distract me. In about twenty minutes, I’d begin to get anxious over nothing…it would begin to get worse as I sweat (though the fan is blowing me really well) and then, I would just get up, thinking but not thinking and then, I would take a stone…then another…then another… and then…I keep chewing. I can’t stop! I am very happy. I am relieved. This is the height of the greatest pleasure ever!

Afterwards, I would think back and wonder why I even need to quit chewing stones. What’s the big deal? There’s no damage at all to my body (as far as I can see). What’s even the big deal?

That’s me…negotiating… that’s me making excuses. That’s me doing the one thing I so hate when people do wrong and they want to…excuse their wrongs. The world would be much better when me and every person out there…man’s/woman’s up and takes responsibility for our actions.

So, it is a fail still… I know my problem…am addicted to stones…but, am nowhere near recovery or quitting. Am still shamefully living with excuses!

 

Tomorrow’s story is Genghis Khan. How does this story inspire a thirteen years old boy to kill his father? Miss not a word of it!